More than a decade ago, I lost a significant amount of weight and dropped my high cholesterol, blood pressure, and blood sugars to safer levels.
Soon after my transformation, I was showered with compliments and invited to write for a notable wellness blog. I genuinely wanted to help others improve their health, so I naively jumped at the chance to do the marketing.
Suddenly, I was thrust into the limelight of being a “poster child”—a very public role model for weight loss and wellness—without realizing the full ramifications of such widespread exposure.
My pictures and story were featured in a couple of New York Times bestselling books; my picture was plastered on the front cover of a popular women’s magazine sold at every checkout lane in America; and I even appeared on a celebrity doctor’s TV show.
However, eventually, my size became an issue.
I was advised to lose ten more pounds in order to reach an arbitrary ideal weight for my height.
Additionally, as a public persona representing wellness, I was instructed not to get any serious diseases in my future, such as cancer.
Suddenly, the expectation to be as thin and healthy as possible became my top priority. “Nutritional purity” (following a strict dietary regimen) became my obsession—and sadly, it was normalized and praised.
Admirers called me a rock star.
Fans wanted my autograph.
My life quickly turned into a Miss America pageant—and I was one of the contestants.
People were not only judging my appearance and size. . .but my health as well.
I didn’t want to disappoint anyone, so I reverted back to an old habit I’d developed in high school: skipping meals in order to quickly lose weight and shrink my waistline.
Unbeknownst to me, I was also becoming a poster child for disordered eating behaviors and a full-blown eating disorder.
A magazine editor would ask: “Do you weigh 133 or 138 pounds?”
I wanted to be the lower number, so I’d fast for several days in order to quickly achieve it.
If I knew a photo shoot was approaching, I’d undereat or skip meals altogether in order to have the flattest stomach possible.
If I felt critically judged about my size, I would fast.
For example, when I was on the doctor’s TV show, for legal purposes, I had to weigh the same number as what I’d told the producer over the phone the week prior to that day.
So, I fasted for seven days--consuming only water for that entire week.
A medical intern brought a scale into the green room to check my weight. He needed to make sure the number matched the one I had told the producer. I was fully clothed, miked, and wearing jewelry and shoes. Thankfully, my weight was spot on.
When I stepped onto the stage—while my before picture was projected onto a jumbo screen for millions to see—the live audience roared and whistled with gusto.
It’s a miracle I didn’t pass out under the blinding bright lights due to being weak and lightheaded from fasting.
Sadly, at my sickest is when I received the most praise—especially from the medical community.
I didn’t want to be a part of this high control culture anymore—but I felt trapped.
I had become a marketing puppet for unattainable ideals.
My tipping point was being in the midst a group of people who’d also lost a significant amount of weight.
We were instructed to line up in a hallway for a photo shoot.
One by one, we were each in the spotlight.
The photographer wanted a front view, side view, and back view.
Our bodies were on display.
As I stood there waiting my turn, I felt as if we were livestock at the county fair lined up for the judges’ critiques: blue ribbon, purple ribbon, Grand Champion ribbon.
I dutifully stood in front of the camera lens. Exposed. Feeling objectified and exploited.
And that was my breaking point. . .the moment my eyes were opened, and I finally realized I was grossly entangled in diet culture.
And that was the day I began the journey to reclaim my health and sanity again.
Here’s the full story: How Being a Weight Loss Success Story Triggered an Eating Disorder
Additional reading:
How to Recognize Diet-Wellness Culture
Do You Struggle with Uncontrollable Urges to Overeat?
Emily Boller, wife, mother, artist, and author is on a mission to create expressive works of art in her lifetime; and to bring awareness to the potentially harmful traps of diet-wellness culture.
In her free time, she loves to chase skyscapes, grow flowers and vegetables, and can homemade soups.
